My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?