ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
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WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.