doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
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Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
thanks auntie mary
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.