The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about