Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
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Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts