Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
You Might Also Like
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
it is time once again