The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
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I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.