All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
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VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.