[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second