[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.