*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Best seat on the street 😍
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.