Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
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“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO