wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face