ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
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Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Ken is short for chicken
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you