Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then