My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?