God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
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why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up