I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Jupiter
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.