Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
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Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.