“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
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It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.