To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Happy Caturday!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more