hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.