The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
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Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*