[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
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My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Whoa… oh I see lol
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
*launders Kohls cash*
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?