When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
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*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing