Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Has science gone too far?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
