my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
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I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
is this a warning or an offer?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.