Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..馃槒馃槈
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Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
when i donate my body to science, they鈥檒l be like ok do we have any other options?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My girl put concealer on and now I can鈥檛 find her.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Husband: I鈥檇 rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I鈥檓 getting my own room???
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man