[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You Might Also Like
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
🤯🤯🤯
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series