A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.