Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
sistine chapel
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: