Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
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me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today