Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
We found love in a hopeless place.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.