Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.