LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.