Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I cannot call her anything else now
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
The fall of Netflix
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES