ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
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*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out