One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
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may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I love you…
…r dog.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The sun is 100% solar-powered.