I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
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Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.