Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
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Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.