Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Morning my dudes.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Beware of the dog..
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK