Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
(yawn)
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
sigh
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again