Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
This could be us but you eatin’
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.