Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.