Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
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me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.