I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
You Might Also Like
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
when nothing goes right… go left
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.