I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
You Might Also Like
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
any last words?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS