From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
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when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”