My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope