It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I know karate and tons of other words.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA